press "1" now

Did I mention my job was repetitive? I think I should send in a robotic stand-in. It would have a smiley, baby-friendly face and a built-in weighing scale heated to 37 degrees, and a growth-chart reader.

"Good morning Mrs. Lopez. How are you? [pause] Have you had your own 6-week check with your GP?" [Mrs. Lopez mutters something about not being registered with a GP] "Not to worry. Many families move house around the time of having a new baby. Do register with a GP as soon as you can. Does your baby smile back when you smile at him? ["oh, yes," says Mrs Lopez] "Good. Does he follow your face with his eyes? [pause] Does he startle to a loud noise?" The standard 6-week review questions over, the Child Health Surveillance Bot would then play a recording explaining the benefits of the BCG vaccine and why we offer it to all babies in Hackney. "Do you consent to your baby having the BCG?" Mrs Lopez answers in the affirmative. "Please place your baby's left upper arm against the Injection Module" The robot's screen replaces its Smiling loop with a short video clip showing the correct position for the baby. A 26 gauge needle is inserted intradermally at precisely 0.1mm below the surface of the skin and exactly 0.05ml of BCG injected. As Mrs. Lopez comforts and dresses her baby, the Bot says: "have you any further questions for me?" "Yes," says Mrs. Lopez. The Bot cuts in: "you now have 5 options: if you wish to discuss your baby's growth and nutrition or any feeding problems, please press 1. If you wish to discuss nappy rash, thrush or any other skin problems or lesions, please press 2. If you are worried about your baby's breathing, please press 3. If you wish to discuss vaccinations, please press 4. If you intend to refuse a vaccination, please press 5." This last button would deliver a nasty electric shock. [I've had several encounters with parents refusing their childrens immunisations, but that is another story!]
Did I mention my job was repetitive?